Here are my top five reasons to build your own gym:
1) No waiting for the guy to finish stretching in the squat rack
2) No more maximal effort squats set to top 40s.
3) Chalkzone maximum
4) Shirts/shoes optional
5) No more personal trainers telling you that squats are bad for your knees
I've got a bone to pick with a two-bit jerk tissue called A. Kalvado. I was reading his book while doing number two and I gathered that he is into this whole Zen approach to fitness. First of all, I completely agree, fitness certainly requires Zen. Fitness is being able to walk up stairs without having a coronary. Fitness is being able to tread water, or go for a nice Sunday hike. I like feeling one with the universe with all the tweety birds and shit when I go for a hike, so a Zen approach seems logical. Oh wait, this guy is talking about my lifting. Zen? Are you fucking kidding me? Deadlifting a fucking truck doesn’t take Zen, it takes a gallon of testosterone, 18 cups of coffee and a steady stream of rageahol pouring out of your mouth like a laser cannon of screamy justice. Get the fuck out of here with your Zen. If I tried to be all calm and shit when I lift I’d probably turn out like….well, like this douchebag Kalvado, who apparently has about the same amount of muscle tissue in his entire body that Jimbo has in one of his calves.
So this waste of oxygen then goes on to pontificate on the finer points of being a balanced individual who has practical ability (or functional ability by crossfit fags) that they can readily use. He then throws bodybuilders under the bus by saying they are non-functional peacocks that couldn’t run a marathon or swim a mile. Of course they can’t you shitstain, they are 300 lbs of fucking meat. Why would they need to train that way? That’s like saying the F22 is a piece of shit jet because it can’t fly under the goddamn ocean.
Bodybuilders are specialists! Incidentally, so are these marathoners you so desperately want to fellate. By the same logic, let’s see a marathoner deadlift 800. Second, why are you harping on bodybuilders? Last time I checked, the strength community doesn’t hold them as the paragons of their art. He picked an easy target, try and tell me that Derek Poundstone doesn’t have functional strength. Motherfucker can carry your car home at a brisk jog if you run out of gas.
Dipshits like this make me so angry not because they are completely fucking retarded, and they are, but because they impose their own logic and judgment system on what is RIGHT and WRONG on a group of people who aren’t even in the same fucking category. Yes, I am aware of the irony of my anger. But hey, fuck you.
It’s these middlemen, the guys that try and be OK at everything that earn the ire of the elite, because they claim that unless you can run, jump, swim, lift, and shoot arrows out of your ass you are somehow inferior. Mr. 4.3 40 yard dash is invalid because he cant do some kettlebell bullshit. It’s particularly hilarious because in a room full of crazy ass athletes, you can bet your ass I would sooner identify with the lunacy of a serial marathon runner that this nozzle. Being moderately good at everything sucks. Being remarkable at one thing is what people remember. Not that I care what anyone remembers or anything. Just sayin’.
