Thursday, July 26, 2012

Functional

If there is one mantra shouted with consisted regularity among the fitness community (two words I can’t stand, honestly, what the fuck does either one of them even really mean?) It’s the battle cry of functionality. Functionality is the idea that a lift, exercise, motion, or otherwise should somehow mimic everyday life so that there is some translation between what you do in the gym and improving your life outside the gym. Here are some exercises frequently touted as being functional:

                From: “Nordic Balance.com”
1)      One arm deadlift
2)      Medicine Ball squats
3)      Supermans
4)      DB overhead side bend
5)      Elbow walk-ups

From: “She Knows.com”
1)      Medicine ball squat into overhead press
2)      Stair climb with curls
3)      Hip extension with reverse fly
4)      Diagonal reach with medicine ball
5)      Lunge with back row

You know, when I first started writing this, I didn’t think this was going to be nearly as easy. I literally took the top two google results for “Top 10 function exercises” and this is what popped up. I was all prepared to rant against something far more respectable like deadlifts and cleans and shit, and this utter abortion is what the world (or google) has decided is functional. Squatting on a motherfucking ball. Really? This is a thing you do, in everyday life? You regularly hold a large weight over your head and bend to the side before heading out the door? Every day right after making coffee up you lunge around the house rowing heavy things into your abdomen?

When I originally thought of writing this, it was due to the usual crossfitters and Mark Rippetoe circlejerk of functional exercises. This idea that your lifts should help you with things you do every day. I’m sorry, this is just blatant bullshit. A vast majority of us live sedentary lives, most of us have desk jobs. A functional exercise for me would involve Microsoft office. For the few of us that are farmhands and construction workers, the idea of functionality in our training is a useless paradigm. How is the deadlift functional? “O rite, I forget how when I get home I have to routinely move 600lbs off the ground to roughly hip height. Thank god I deadlift heavy so this daily occurrence is so much easier for me.” There is no such thing as functional. People yell at me for doing trap bar pulling instead of conventional pulling because it isn’t as functional. What? Somehow the way a bar is shaped makes it more functional? It’s all pulling, the manner and levers are arbitrarily assigned. All exercises are arbitrary. Take the bench press. There is a certain cloud of information that surrounds what that exercise is and what constitutes proper execution. Lay down. Push, tricep extension, keep butt on bench, drive shoulders, etc. etc. The exercise itself is completely arbitrary as a marker for strength. I could lay on the ground, grab a heavy dumbbell, and press it overhead with one arm. There you go. I invented a new exercise and decided it is the end-all of pressing strength. How can you argue? We’re not disagreeing about something concrete, like how to make steel, where there is an obvious right answer. Exercises are arbitrary, just do whatever the fuck makes you strong and when people tell you that trap bar deadlifting isn’t a good indicator of pulling strength or that overhead press isn’t as impressive as bench, tell them to go fuck themselves.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Toxins

So apparently there was a buzz in the news a while back because a study recently came out saying that sugar was bad for you. Now, I would think that with the war, economy, and general globe giving us a steady stream of actual news to report, delivering a story that was covered 7 years ago is probably not necessary. Seriously, didn’t we go through the whole “fat isn’t all that bad, avoid sugar” thing with atkins, south beach, and paleo? That was years ago? How is this news? Anyway, I generally agree with the premise that sugar should be avoided whenever possible unless it’s cinnamon hard candy, but the article that was written was obviously done so by someone who doesn’t grasp the subject at all, thus my need for a good solid rant.  Article is below, with my comments in bold.

*******
Sugar is actually a toxin. Scientific studies are starting to back this evidence up of sugar being a poison. On 60 Minutes that aired April 1, 2012, Dr. Sanjay Gupta reported new research is coming out of America's most respected institutions, which find that sugar is a toxin.

So what is a toxin? Is this just some sort of new-age buzz word? Because when I think about toxin, I think about ricin, not sugar. I think we’re being a bit overdramatic here. Sugar isn’t poison, strychnine is. Jesus Christ, fucking take a chill pill, guy.

Sugar is toxic, whether it be in the form of crystal or syrup. "They are basically equivalent. The problem is, they're both bad. They're both equally toxic," says Dr. Lustig.

I don’t think the argument “be” that HFCS is worse than table sugar, again, that was a news article from a few years ago. Right now you are accusing sugar of being tantamount to anthrax, so let’s just stick to defending that one.

According to reports, the average American consumes over 130 pounds of sugar annually. This lead to increased diabetes and obesity, especially in children. The National Institute of Health states that diabetes affects 25.8 million Americans of all ages, and 215,000 people younger than 20 had diabetes in 2010.

Sweet, some facts. This is usual ripe ground for horseshit. 130 lbs = 59,091 grams. A can of coke is about 40g of sugar, so that’s 1477 cans of coke per year? Sounds a tad high to me.

Since the 1970s, sugar consumption has gone down nearly 40 percent, but high fructose corn syrup has more than made up the difference. Dr. Lustig says they are both toxic because they both contain fructose, that's what makes them sweet and irresistible.

Fructose doesn’t make sugar any more irresistible than glucose or dextrose. It’s fucking sugar.

When you eat sugar in the form of fruit, you are getting other stuff with it. You're getting fiber, micro-nutrients and also a slow absorbtion of sugar which is much more natural. That's the way human bodies were designed to take in sugar.

Your body is either OK with handling sugar or it isn’t, there is no middle ground called fruit. The sugar in fruit isn’t great for you, but fruit has a lot of great stuff in it that makes fruit not the worst thing in the world, but it certainly still isn’t designed to handle all that fructose. The fructose in an orange is nearly the same fructose in HFCS that goes in cookies, let’s not pretend they’re different. Also, the amount of fiber in fruit is largely negligible to slow the absorbtion [sic] of fructose. In fact, the amount of fructose far outpaces fiber and has a net increase on blood-glucose.

When it comes to artificial sweeteners, the body is smart. Dr. Sanjay Gupta gave the example of when a person drinks Diet Coke then goes home at night and has two bowls of ice cream. He says, "It's almost as if your body says, 'You tricked me. So you know what, I'm going to make you go out and find real sugar and feed me.' It's sort of a punishment."

This isn’t the body being smart; this is the brain being dumb. I can drink a few diet cokes and I won’t have the urge to pound ice cream because I’m not a fat fuck…the aspartame isn’t “fooling” me. There is nothing wrong with artificial sweeteners, provided you are a rational human being who isn’t a slave to gorging pie.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta says that eating real food is the best piece of advice. Real foods like, vegetables, meat, and food that doesn't come out of a box or package. Usually you'll find real food on the outer perimeter of the grocery store. Food on the inner aisles is usually packaged and processed.

Most frozen ice cream and beer is on the perimeter too…just sayin.

Is sugar bad for people with heart disease? People believe if they eat sugar, they put on weight and if you put on weight, you're more likely to develop heart disease. People fundamentally get heart disease. Dr. Sanjay Gupta gave the example of a person eating a cheeseburger and thinking this is a fatty food and it will raise their cholesterol in which will put you at risk of heart disease. That's what sugar is doing, maybe more so than fatty foods.

This paragraph makes no sense. The basic argument is contradictory.

When a person consumes too much sugar, the liver gets overloaded with fructose and converts some of it into fat. That fat ends up in the bloodstream and generates the bad kind of cholesterol called small dense LDL. These particles are known to lodge in blood vessels, form plaque, in which are associated with heart attacks.

Kimber Stanhope said, "We found that people who consumed high fructose corn syrup had increased blood levels of LDL cholesterol and other risk factors for cardiovascular disease."

But the purpose of statistics and research is to determine if the two things are correlated. Are they? I found that pirate attacks went down in the 19th century as amount of coal mined increased, therefore, mining coal prevents pirate attacks.

Esstenially, we need a balanced diet, but the idea of balance is a drastic reduction in sugar consumption. An American Heart Association report recommends men should consume no more than 150 calories of added sugars a day. And women, just 100 calories. That's less than the amount in just one can of soda.

So your recommendation is to go from consuming 160 grams of added sugar a day (above figure/365) to somewhere between 25 and 35 grams? Sounds great, I support that. However, that’s a net decrease of 500 calories per day. Since people tend to want to remain in equilibrium, I predict they will just eat 500 more calories of bread, pasta, and French fries, because O HAI, NO SUGAR! MUST BE GOOD! Good job.  

Dr. Robert Lustig says, "Ultimately this is a public health crisis. And when it's a public health crisis, you have to do big things and you have to do them across the board. Tobacco and alcohol are perfect examples
Wait what? What big things across the board? Are you suggesting that the government get in there and tell me not to have sugar? Dear god. The second we start having retarded doctors prescribing health ultimatums it’s a slippery slope to banning fat and red meat. I’m all for supporting a reduced sugar intake, but I’m also Pro-letting dumb people kill themselves, that’s what makes America great.
Also, what alcohol health crisis? Are we talking about fucking prohibition here?

Friday, June 22, 2012

A simple rant

I’m sick and fucking tired of this unnecessary anti-cell phone shit. What’s with this cell phone ban while queued up in banks, post offices, gyms, etc.? I assume what they are going for here is that holding a conversation on a cell phone is somehow rude or an infringement on other people’s peace and quiet or some shit, but how is it really any fucking different from talking to another person? So if I’m at the gym talking to my bro about how awesome my pump is, if you remove my bro and replace him with a tiny square of plastic I’m somehow committing a grievous insult? That’s just fucking irrational and goddamn stupid. And another thing, I am fucking tired of having to take a half day at work just to receive fucking appliances or furniture I order. The fuck is this? Do they realize that it costs me 300 bucks to take half a day just to sit around and wait for you to put a goddamn fridge in my house because you won’t deliver before 8am or after 4pm? The fuck? How is late delivery not an optional service? I’ll pay extra. I don’t give a flying fuck about a bit of extra cash just so I don’t have to march into my boss’s office like a total fucking schmuck and be like “hey boss, can I take four hours off from work next Tuesday so I can watch three fat men put a couch in my living room?” Do people not realize how shitty this sounds? To make matters worse, the delivery service is usually a third party run by someone who is mystified by tying his own shoes. They cancel on you regularly, fail to record your actual time you are fucking available, and generally have no grasp of intelligent thought. “Hey boss, I know I am home already for a half a day to take delivery on a PIECE OF GODDAMN FURNITURE, but they just told me they weren’t going to make it today after all so I need to take off tomorrow as well.” Gee thanks you fucking wastes of life for vaporizing my vacation days so you can fuck up something as simple as delivery of a refrigerator. Good thing I like to play video games all day.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Interior monologue…

Feet: Whoa whoa…what the fuck, why are we moving so quickly, are we being chased? Is this farmers carry? Eyes, what the fuck is going on?
Eyes: I don’t know, the scenery isn’t changing, were standing still
Feet: We definitely aren’t fucking standing still here! Jesus H. Christ what is this? Are we running now? HOLY FUCK HELP! This is an awful farmers carry!
Arms: Negative on farmers carry, no loading here and we aren’t about to be separated from shoulder. We are being windmilled about in some strange fashion.
Heart: Increasing rate to 120 beats per minute
Lungs: Uh….we can only maintain this pace for maybe another 30 seconds
Feet: Guys! What the fuck! We’re in lifting shoes, this shit isn’t supposed to happen to us any more, someone please tell us what the fuck is happening
Ears: I hear shitty top 40s…
Feet: That means we’re in a commercial gym. Is he doing sprints? I can do sprints, maybe two of them.
Heart: Increasing rate to 140 beats per minute
Eyes: Negative, we still aren’t moving forward
Feet: This just doesn’t make any fucking sense!
Glutes: Hey, I know I’m not really involved in all this but I just want to say I appreciate all you guys do and I think we’re a really good tea…
Feet: Shut the FUCK up ass, people are dying here!
Arms: God feet you are such pussies. All you do is absorb impact and you’re fucking whining like you actually do something around here.
Heart: Increasing rate to 160 beats per minute. Infarction warning issued.
Glutes: You know, I don’t appreciate this tone. I work very hard on squats and deads and all I ask for is that we take a moment to think about how we can work better together.
Sweat Glands: Open all apertures to 100%
Eyes: Hey! Check that shit out in front of us Gonads!
Gonads: What? Someone call me? We’re not getting a lot of blood down here…check back later.
Heart: Increasing rate to 180 beats per minute. Infarction imminent
Feet: Hey, has anyone bothered to ask brain about this?
Brain: 2 more minutes until 1/3 of the way there, then 20 more minutes. 30 seconds…31 seconds….32 seconds…33 seconds
Arms: What the fuck is he doing up there? And what is with all this goddamn swinging?
Lungs: WE’RE FUCKING DYING HERE!
Heart: commence shutdown
Eyes: were losing it, it’s all black
Feet: Brain! For the love of god! Stop this madness

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Showing up is half the battle

I recently had the pleasure of enduring PMT 250, program management tools, the latest selection of training force fed down my throat in an effort to teach me how to buy pipes. PMT 250 is taught by Defense Acquisition University (DAU), a hallmark institution that prides itself in being the Harvard of Fort Belvoir. Normally, DAU classes consist of 6 to 12 modules with about 150-300 PowerPoint slides apiece. You login to DAU and these slides are firehosed into your face from their central abacus at about the rate of one every 20 seconds. If you do the math, that means the average course takes approximately 17 years to complete.
I’d like to adjust this rant for a second and address the phrase “the value of the course is in the discussion.” First, the value of the course is never in the discussion because chances are the people in your class aren’t any smarter than you, and in the case of DAU, probably much less so. Do you think that a professor in a computational fluid dynamics course stands up in front of his class on the first day and says, “Well I know some of you might not understand the material and might not ever get anything right…but the value of this course is in the discussion.” No. The value of the course is pounding Navier-Stokes into your brain until you understand that PDEs were a contrivance of Satan himself. There is no discussion on the finer points of whether or not Bernoulli was good at BJs, just lots of math and headache. I know what some of you are saying, “Zoids, what about classes for people who don’t ever find a job, like English literature or philosophy?” Nope, sorry, same rule applies. The value is in reading Socrates and trying to wrap your head around what he is trying to say, not listening to some asshole in the corner pontificate his reflections upon bong hits. So when Professor Asshole tells me that the real value of this program management shitshow is in listening to Francis over at Army Logistics Center discuss his intrepid ventures into cost accounting the latest pencil contract, my brain shuts down.
A further adjustment to this rant brings us full circle back to the purpose of this blog, namely, lifting heavy shit. This type of phrase, “don’t worry about getting X, just doing Y is good enough,” is repeated in many other infuriating circumstances, but this one…
Know that showing up is half the battle (courtesy, Gold’s Gym)
Furious anger.
Yet another brilliant abdication of personal responsibility, thank you Gold’s gym. I showed up at the gym and waddled on the treadmill for 30 minutes, but at least I showed up…and that’s half the battle! Look, I get it. For Joe Couchington showing up is pretty hard due to the fact that his familial love for his namesake is constantly convincing him to watch TV all day. But immediately upon making Joe suffer by running wind sprints he realized showing up didn’t matter shit, running the first 50m of the 100m was really half the battle.  But then he had to run twelve of them so really running the first six was half the battle. Then when he went home and realized that he only burnt 400 calories and he really realized that showing up meant absolutely nothing. What they are saying is commitment to do something is half the battle, but really commitment is a useless wafer-thin construct of words much like love or grief. The only commitment is where you have 500 pounds on your back and you are currently at the bottom most position on squat, you have a COMMITMENT to stand back up or you will DIE. That’s half the battle.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Zoids Jerks 300

I've been wanting to put 300lbs over my head for a while, glad it finally happened. Though I don't have it on video we do have a video of me doing some narrow stance squats.


Now, I know what you are going to say. Looks good but my knees are coming forward of my toes, which you always hear is a big no-no because it puts a lot more strain in your knee. What you really need to ensure is that the weight stays directly centered over mid-foot, knee position relative to your feet isn't too terribly important. You can tell if you no longer have this balance if you lift your heels.




Blammo.



Monday, January 31, 2011

Functionally Retarded

Here are my top five reasons to build your own gym:
1)      No waiting for the guy to finish stretching in the squat rack
2)      No more maximal effort squats set to top 40s.
3)      Chalkzone maximum
4)      Shirts/shoes optional
5)      No more personal trainers telling you that squats are bad for your knees
I've got a bone to pick with a two-bit jerk tissue called A. Kalvado. I was reading his book while doing number two and I gathered that he is into this whole Zen approach to fitness. First of all, I completely agree, fitness certainly requires Zen. Fitness is being able to walk up stairs without having a coronary. Fitness is being able to tread water, or go for a nice Sunday hike. I like feeling one with the universe with all the tweety birds and shit when I go for a hike, so a Zen approach seems logical. Oh wait, this guy is talking about my lifting. Zen? Are you fucking kidding me? Deadlifting a fucking truck doesn’t take Zen, it takes a gallon of testosterone, 18 cups of coffee and a steady stream of rageahol pouring out of your mouth like a laser cannon of screamy justice. Get the fuck out of here with your Zen. If I tried to be all calm and shit when I lift I’d probably turn out like….well, like this douchebag Kalvado, who apparently has about the same amount of muscle tissue in his entire body that Jimbo has in one of his calves.
So this waste of oxygen then goes on to pontificate on the finer points of being a balanced individual who has practical ability (or functional ability by crossfit fags) that they can readily use. He then throws bodybuilders under the bus by saying they are non-functional peacocks that couldn’t run a marathon or swim a mile. Of course they can’t you shitstain, they are 300 lbs of fucking meat. Why would they need to train that way? That’s like saying the F22 is a piece of shit jet because it can’t fly under the goddamn ocean.
Bodybuilders are specialists! Incidentally, so are these marathoners you so desperately want to fellate. By the same logic, let’s see a marathoner deadlift 800. Second, why are you harping on bodybuilders? Last time I checked, the strength community doesn’t hold them as the paragons of their art. He picked an easy target, try and tell me that Derek Poundstone doesn’t have functional strength. Motherfucker can carry your car home at a brisk jog if you run out of gas.
Dipshits like this make me so angry not because they are completely fucking retarded, and they are, but because they impose their own logic and judgment system on what is RIGHT and WRONG on a group of people who aren’t even in the same fucking category. Yes, I am aware of the irony of my anger. But hey, fuck you.
It’s these middlemen, the guys that try and be OK at everything that earn the ire of the elite, because they claim that unless you can run, jump, swim, lift, and shoot arrows out of your ass you are somehow inferior. Mr. 4.3 40 yard dash is invalid because he cant do some kettlebell bullshit. It’s particularly hilarious because in a room full of crazy ass athletes, you can bet your ass I would sooner identify with the lunacy of a serial marathon runner that this nozzle. Being moderately good at everything sucks. Being remarkable at one thing is what people remember. Not that I care what anyone remembers or anything. Just sayin’.