If there is one mantra shouted with consisted regularity among the fitness community (two words I can’t stand, honestly, what the fuck does either one of them even really mean?) It’s the battle cry of functionality. Functionality is the idea that a lift, exercise, motion, or otherwise should somehow mimic everyday life so that there is some translation between what you do in the gym and improving your life outside the gym. Here are some exercises frequently touted as being functional:
From: “Nordic Balance.com”
1) One arm deadlift
2) Medicine Ball squats
3) Supermans
4) DB overhead side bend
5) Elbow walk-ups
From: “She Knows.com”
1) Medicine ball squat into overhead press
2) Stair climb with curls
3) Hip extension with reverse fly
4) Diagonal reach with medicine ball
5) Lunge with back row
You know, when I first started writing this, I didn’t think this was going to be nearly as easy. I literally took the top two google results for “Top 10 function exercises” and this is what popped up. I was all prepared to rant against something far more respectable like deadlifts and cleans and shit, and this utter abortion is what the world (or google) has decided is functional. Squatting on a motherfucking ball. Really? This is a thing you do, in everyday life? You regularly hold a large weight over your head and bend to the side before heading out the door? Every day right after making coffee up you lunge around the house rowing heavy things into your abdomen?
When I originally thought of writing this, it was due to the usual crossfitters and Mark Rippetoe circlejerk of functional exercises. This idea that your lifts should help you with things you do every day. I’m sorry, this is just blatant bullshit. A vast majority of us live sedentary lives, most of us have desk jobs. A functional exercise for me would involve Microsoft office. For the few of us that are farmhands and construction workers, the idea of functionality in our training is a useless paradigm. How is the deadlift functional? “O rite, I forget how when I get home I have to routinely move 600lbs off the ground to roughly hip height. Thank god I deadlift heavy so this daily occurrence is so much easier for me.” There is no such thing as functional. People yell at me for doing trap bar pulling instead of conventional pulling because it isn’t as functional. What? Somehow the way a bar is shaped makes it more functional? It’s all pulling, the manner and levers are arbitrarily assigned. All exercises are arbitrary. Take the bench press. There is a certain cloud of information that surrounds what that exercise is and what constitutes proper execution. Lay down. Push, tricep extension, keep butt on bench, drive shoulders, etc. etc. The exercise itself is completely arbitrary as a marker for strength. I could lay on the ground, grab a heavy dumbbell, and press it overhead with one arm. There you go. I invented a new exercise and decided it is the end-all of pressing strength. How can you argue? We’re not disagreeing about something concrete, like how to make steel, where there is an obvious right answer. Exercises are arbitrary, just do whatever the fuck makes you strong and when people tell you that trap bar deadlifting isn’t a good indicator of pulling strength or that overhead press isn’t as impressive as bench, tell them to go fuck themselves.
